Being bullied by your boss? 6 tips from Psychology.

People leave their managers not their jobs. With the ability to make or break your day, operating under a bully has devastating consequences for our health. Bullying comes in all different formats and at work often presents in subtleties, you may be the only one to notice it.

Let me make it clear, bullying is never okay, nor should it be a victim's reasonability to have to 'manage' it. I encourage you to report it, follow the processes and policies, and read up on employment law. It's never your fault, nor should you have to remain in that situation.

However, I know this can be easier said than done so I write this for those that feel stuck. Often when we are being bullied we feel disempowered, and we can internalise stigma and the negative messages we receive. Sadly, many people do not feel they can report it or trust that the outcome will be positive, so here are some tips to help those who are struggling.

Of course, it goes without saying seek professional support from a psychologist to manage the impact bullying can have.

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1. Try to shift the power dynamics.

Bullying is often about power. The bully has the power.

Additionally, we often think of our superiors as more important and therefore struggle to stand up for our needs. Whilst they may be higher up on the ladder, remove this idea that they are superior to you.

Just like surgeons could not operate without nurses, your role is there for a reason, you know what you are doing and are needed. If your manager could do or had the time to do your role, you wouldn’t be needed. However, your position is essential to let them do what is required of them.

They are just a step ahead of you, but you will be there someday. Humanise this concept. Shift the concept that they are more important than you. They are just in a different place to you. Your needs are valid, your place in the 'hierarchy' is essential and you deserve to be treated as so.

2. Prepare your internal response.

To do this, be prepared for the bullying and have a plan of how you will respond internally next time it occurs.

For example, if you ruminate on the unfairness of it and anger is bubbling in you:

· Allow yourself a set amount of time to think about it.

· Then push it from your mind.

· When it creeps back that’s okay, push it away again.

· To release the anger - exercise, deep breath or speak to someone trusted.

For example, if you withdraw thinking it must be your fault:

· Know that when doing this you are internalising the bully.

· Not only are you being bullied externally but you are bullying yourself internally.

· To overcome this, think what you would say to a friend or a family member if they were in the same situation – apply this to yourself.

3. Know your worth.

Bullying sabotages self-worth. No matter how strong we are, or how much we know they are in the wrong when we are bullied our self-worth takes a plummet. This is because every message we receive from the bully is that we are not enough. How do we build self-worth?

Collect evidence for why we are enough.

• Write a list of all the things you do well at work – from everything to making coffee for colleagues to dominating your targets.

• Now, collect a list of everything outside of work that you are good at. Small things to big things, ask trusted others for their thoughts.

Read the lists over and over, speak it out loud in the mirror, look at it in the bathroom, add to it. Most importantly, hold onto it when being treated unfairly.

4. Makeup stories to create empathy.

(In your head). Evidence shows that nearly all bullies have been victims, people are mean to other people because it makes them feel more powerful and important. Often, what underpins this is low self-worth.

99% of the time the bullying behaviour is about them. Not about you.

We might not know what their ‘victim’ story is, but we can make one up about them and use this to our aid (just keep it in your head). Are they being bullied by their boss, is their home life awful? Thinking of others like this increases empathy towards them and also gives a reason why they are bullying you (that isn’t to do with you) which helps reduce our disdain, which means they have less of an impact on us.

5. Shift the dialogue.

(Nicely). If this is all about their self-worth, stroke their ego. Yep, I know this is the last thing you might want to do, but as you imagine them as a punching bag, give them a compliment. When you compliment someone you impact them, therefore shifting the power dynamics.

When they criticize your work, say to them that it’s a shame to hear that as you have learnt so much from them. It does not need to be overly obvious – just drip feed it in. Start small, I like your shoes. You might have to clench your fists to do it, but this also helps reduce the power they have over you by flipping things.

6. Seek support and know your exit strategy.

Look you may need to leave. If you cannot see change, an exit strategy may help you survive the next while. For those of you who do not have the option to leave, seek support and guidance.

It can be hard to trust in the system and processes. The bully may have made you feel isolated and like no one will believe you. HR has an obligation to stay neutral and they will have seen 100’s of bullies and victims. You never know who else has made complaints and you can be adding to the picture. You can also have ‘hypothetical’ conversations with HR to test out what you might want to say and what your options are. Yes, you might fear it would make it worse, but if you are staying at it is already bad, a 3rd party aiding the situation could be what you need. Think about short-term pain for long-term gain. Think about what gives you the most power.

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Remember, bullying isn't about you, it's never okay and never your responsibility to manage. Lastly, get support, bullying can bring up deep wounds and self-esteem issues, ask for support from those you trust and see a professional to help you through this time.