Struggling with a loss of Libido?

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"If you've been with someone for 30 years, it's normal for libido to undergo changes over the years, not feel so intense etc - but, that doesn't mean you can't have a rewarding sex life in your later years,” Can you give her a quote of why this is? 

Sex brings rewards in more ways than just the pleasurable feelings in the moment. Yes, when we have sex oxytosin (the pleasure hormone) is released but it is not just about the physical sensations. Sex is about connection, fostering bonding and intimacy between partners. So even as our libido changes sex brings us closer, making us feel secure, boosting our self-esteem, as well as our physical and psychological health. These relationship and health benefits create the scaffolding for our libido, facilitating us to enjoy sexual contact in a long-term relationship in a way we simply cannot when we are younger or in new relationships. It might be less lustful but that does not mean it cannot be as enjoyable.  

Can you share:

How a loss of  libido psychologically impacts?

A loss of libido can impact our psychology in several ways. When we change or lose part of the way we used to be it can affect our perception of self making us feel lost and unsure of who we are. This can make us feel anxious, low in mood, and stressed. Further, as a libido change can impact our relationships we can feel that something is ‘wrong’ or that we are ‘disappointing’ which affects our self-esteem. It is particularly tough as a culture we are not good at talking about sex and that can be isolating for individuals. 

How can you keep your relationship safe with low libido? 

The most important thing to do is to talk. The biggest protective factor in a relationship is communication. If we can discuss how we feel, talk about sex, and talk about the relationship we can find ways to support each other and prioritise the relationship. I see so many couples in my clinic who do not have the skills to talk about their feelings and may never have had a conversation with their partner about sex! Seeing a couples therapist to help you navigate changes in your relationship can be another way to keep your relationship safe. 

Finding other ways to promote intimacy - quality time, kissing, and cuddling can keep us physically connected to our partners which means through libido changes we are still physically close meaning we feel more comfortable to explore sexual contact. 

Work on our libido - whether it is lifestyle changes, hormone therapy, or relationship therapy to protect our relationship and our own wellbeing, we benefit from putting effort into boosting our sexual health. 

How does body images impact how you feel about sex and intimacy? 

The more positive we feel about our bodies, the more positively we think, feel, and experience sex and intimacy (and vice versa). The more positive we feel about our bodies, the more we can relax into both conversations about and the act of sex. The more confident and comfortable we feel with our partner and with ourselves.